I love love. There is no denying it. I love loving someone and I really love the feeling of being loved. But as I approach the first anniversary of moving into my own house and leaving my marriage behind me, I am finally in a place where I am realising I don’t need love.
My whole life I have craved love, not because I wasn’t loved, but because I didn’t feel loved enough. I’ve never felt as though I am someone’s universe, I don’t think anyone has ever loved me more than they love anything else on the planet. I struggled with that realisation for a while. It hurt.
My parents love me and always have, but when I was younger there were times I wasn’t their purpose, and obvs now I’m a grown up I shouldn’t be their purpose.
My ex, as in love as we were on our wedding day, wasn’t capable of meeting my love expectations. There was a time he loved me to his absolute full capacity, but because of my unrealistic standards it wasn’t enough.
I have never denied how unbelievably fucking hard I am to love, you can see that from the above paragraphs. I put a lot of pressure on the people who love me and expect a lot from their love. Too much, I expect too much.
Equally I can be pretty overwhelming when I love someone. I’m mega intense. Not in the sense of wanting to be with them all the time or in constant contact, in fact I kinda love being so confident in a relationship that you are still super independent because you know how tight your love is; I just love them hard.
When I am physically with someone that I love I wanna be touching them and kissing them a lot. I’ve made no secret of loving the sex too. When I’m sad, happy, mad, sleepy, upset, frustrated, annoyed, board…I basically wanna bang.
The worst thing is I expect the person I love to know that. Yup, if you love me you better be a fucking mind reader. If I’ve had a bad day and you don’t grab me and bang me one the hallway carpet as soon as I walk in the house, then I am pissed off. Unless you’ve handed me wine. Wine will work too.
I’ve been told in the past that I want Hollywood Love. Unrealistic, unachievable and probably, nonexistence.
But as this years has passed me by and I’ve not had that constant love I really am starting to realise I don’t need it to be happy.
I won’t ever be one of those people who love themselves and finds that comfort from within…well, I love myself when the mood takes me but hey I’m only human! But I am turning into a person who doesn’t need that love to feel validated. To feel happy.
When I take a step back and look at my life I have so much going on and so much to project my love on to.
Obvs I have the beans who are just utterly impossible and perfect, my family are ace, my friends are so dirty and funny, plus I work full time in a job I love. TBH, I don’t think I even have the space in my life for Hollywood Love. No matter how epic.
I have no intention of ever bringing a man into the beans life, I’m not great at the marriage so will defo not be doing that again. I have wasted a lot of my energy and too many tears on feeling rejected by everyone that I have ever loved. What has it achieved?
Dating is fun, sex is super fun, and I love getting to know new people or just having a great time with people I already know; but tinder, plenty of fish, bumble…I just don’t think I have the energy. Plus truthfully, I don’t want it.
I’m still convincing myself of this a little bit too, I’m not totally sold on closing the vag to business for the rest of my life, I like being in a relationship and loving someone; but this year has taught me that I don’t need it and actually I can do pretty well without it.
Maybe I’m protecting myself from more rejection, maybe I’m fishing for complements, maybe this post is a passive aggressive message to all those who have rejected me, maybe I’m talking utter bull shit to just reassure the people in my life that I’m okay…or maybe…just maybe it’s the truth.
I am a divorced woman, I have two children, I work full time, I have an active social life and I don’t want to be in love. Is that believable? Could that be true? Watch this space I guess.